What does it takes for a man to realise all his bitterness, anger and his denial in life? A apology away that's the answer..
I am a man with few words and its been quite some times I have written something hehe there are times I wanted to but then hmm maybe I forgotten XD!
For the past week I found a great realisation in my life..I found out within my shell of confidence and everything was ok, I was actually denying myself of the truth..I felt so angry at myself , my life, my family, my friends and ultimately God Himself..I mean I have an ok life but coming from a broken family was a big blow for me honestly, my dad being injured just does not seem to help plus everything that comes after that seems to bring me down..
I was angry...why my dad have to climb and not listen to us that day, why I was not at home that day, why everything have to happen to me, why must I take on so much responsibility while others just cruise in life, why must I worry about so many things, why God why..
You really do not want to know how long I was asking that question..Quite long actually, too long..
Today I was involve in a sketch in church acting as ironically Jesus..At first when I got the role I was saying to myself how can I act as the One who I blame for almost everything in my life..I really wanted to say no but however no..deep down in my heart God was asking me to play the role that I was really clear..I was confused
I know during this few months God have been miraculously been providing to me and guiding me even though in my condition..Seriously its really very obvious..there was once I was so worry bout my financial problem and I prayed for a specific amount that I need and ask God to help, the next day I was blessed by someone with the exact amount..:O
Nothing to say..Not only that I was also praying once for healing for my dad so he could walk and the next day when I called my brother he was already trying to walk by himself with a walker..:O
The list goes on and on but in my stubbornness I really did not see all this as something to be proud off but still blame God for everything..
Last Thursday, I was too free I guess I started looking for new songs to hear and this song just came to my mind because I remembered a sketch done during the Re-Writable Rally in 2008..As I listen to the lyrics I broke down in tears literally..It said of especially the chorus I was the flower..I was literally down, broken and bitter with life but who am I that God would still come and rescue me without me saying thank you and still continue to catch me each time I fall..Its like a rebellious kid who scolds the father for everything but when problems come he was terrified, petrified and totally useless..this is when the father steps in again and help me only to be scolded again after that..
I guess I was pretty stupid but my heart was so harden..harden by the fact that I was bottling up everything and it became to a point so concentrated that it made me numb to my feelings..
As today I was acting as Jesus in the sketch it really reflected upon me in my life I was Richard ( The other main actor hehe). It was so well in the beginning but was so devastated in the middle by everything in life..And to act as Jesus I saw was He saw..In the sketch Jesus was calling out on Richard the whole time as he falls into a temptation..without fail during the whole time He called and called but he did not listen..and in the end when all have failed, I did not thought of suicide like in the sketch thank God but I was lifeless..all I can see during the whole sketch was I was Richard and Jesus saved me every single time I was at the edge..
Yet in my right mind I could not say a proper thanks and realise all He has done to me..
Well I did, but the first word I want to say is not thank you but sorry..Sorry God for everything I blamed You for and every tears You cried in behalf of my disobedience..Second, thank you God for everything in my life, everything that had happened, will happen or to happen..
If I were to realise this earlier much time and tears would not have been wasted..
Indeed if one advice I want to give is this don't think you are alone God is always there and please do find someone where you can share your heart with..Someone wise and if I may add, someone who fear God because there is no man more wise than to fear His creator..
P.S. if you have the time do listen to this songs I hope it will bless you too!
Thank you Jesus for Who Am I but Your's :)
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Thank you for this post. You know, I don't really get to talk to you and I know I haven't shown enough concern as you deserve, but you are someone I really admire and look up to because of the example you have shown. Yes, you were silently feeling pain and blaming God, but honestly never once have you shown a sour face to any of us, and never once have you said no when asked to help out or serve. It is definitely not easy to maintain good relationships with others and be joyful outwardly (especially) when you are going thru so much. For that, I have to commend you. I'm glad you are able to look back now and thank Him. When I look at you, and even as I read this post, I am reminded of this verse: Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Thank you for reminding us. God bless you, bro!
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